Esquire magazine’s March issue published a list of Bullshit. I agreed with much [i.e., LinkedIn endorsements, emails without subject lines] and disagreed with much [i.e., wedding rings, NBA playoffs]. Here’s my list of stuff they neglected to mention:
1. Button-fly blue jeans.
2. Dogs raised to be weapons.
3. People who raise dogs to be weapons.
4. Moments of silence. Spare me the captive participation in your pomposity.
5. The war on tobacco. Sure it’s not healthy, but people have a choice.
6. The same people fighting tobacco are advocating for the legalization of marijuana. You’re telling me that tobacco is bad but Mary Jane is good? That illogical line of thought carries an odious waft.
7. Anecdotal evidence offered up to debunk statistics. Those anecdotes are the outliers, not debunking material.
8. The ease with which too many people deploy foul language in public. That’s shamefully lazy conversation.
9. Politically Correct speech. Do we really need to mask factual statements that make some tender-minded individuals uncomfortable? PC constraints lead to confused discussion and counterproductive policy implementation.
10.People who speak in terms of a slippery slope. Unless they’re actually talking about a slippery slope.
11. Pennies. The coins, not people bearing the name Penny.
12. Taking nuclear off the table as a viable energy source. Think about the telephone in the 1970s with the rotary dial, then the breakthrough of the push buttons to where we are now. I’m inclined to think there’s been a similarly impressive trajectory for improvements in the field of nuclear energy.
13.Vegetarian chili. No, it’s a bean casserole, don’t taint the name of chili with that swill.
14.Advocating for renewable energy in Africa. Look, I realize Global Climate Change is the catalyst for much farcical activity around the globe, but the key to saving the lives of the poor is to elevate them out of poverty. Providing access to fossil fuels is a more effective way to help save lives [i.e., refrigeration, medicine, clean cooking fuel, electricity by which to read and effect learning] than the climate change-induced guilt payments to corrupt governments. Solar panels in these poor villages will recharge a cell phone, provide a single lightbulb, and ensure the continuation of poverty.
15.People who too willingly take offense rather than engage the opportunity for discussion. Taking offense is a choice, a cowardly one.
16.People who cower in the face of the offended rather than engage the opportunity for discussion. This cowardly reaction feeds the ‘I’m offended’ industry.
17.Graffiti ‘artists’. If it’s not your property or you were not commissioned to do it, then it’s graffiti, not art.
18.Hotels that do not offer hot chocolate with their complimentary breakfast.
19.Gay Marriage arguments. Like it or not, it’s legal and is never going away. Can we talk about something constructive now?
20.Pro-Choice and Pro-Life arguments. Like it or not, abortion is legal and is never going away. Can we talk about something constructive now?
21.The appendix. The body part, not the book part.
22.The curious criminal justice reform movement and the push for early release of prisoners. Explain that position to the victims’ families. Convicts are not in prison for stealing a slice of pizza, a prison sentence is a lifetime achievement award. No recidivism for you, go back to your cell.
23.California’s drought reminder public messages after a rainfall. You know, just in case we thought that ½-inch rainy afternoon ended the water rationing.
24.Publicly funded sports stadiums. It has been proven that these are not good for the communities that pony up the millions of dollars. Works great, however, for making rich guys vastly richer.
25. The Olympics. Unless they’re performing in the nude like the original Greco-Roman Olympics, I’ll skip the pageantry.
Thanks for hearing me out.