He strictly forbade himself
from beginning to read a new novel on the same day he had finished the previous
tome. That’s right, finish reading a novel on Tuesday, next novel starts no
sooner than Wednesday. Rule applied only to novels, however, biographies and non-fiction
books, for some unknown particular reason, were not similarly regulated.
Emails with blank Subject
lines were worthy of his vast and highly capable derision.
His finger nails were deemed
well overdue for a crisp trimming if they made contact with the keyboard when
keying on his laptop. On an iPad he’d go nuts with the clacking of his finger
nails on its glass screen.
Cleanliness was an area ripe
for his attention. After pumping a tank of fuel at the gas station he would be
desperately eager to wash his hands. The catalyst was the handling of the fuel nozzle
having been preceded by countless unwashed patrons’ hands.
When it came to food related cleanliness
his tendencies were housed in some semblance of practicality. For example, he
became quietly enraged when food-handling plastic-gloved employees wore their gloves
when conducting non-food tasks such as money handling, only to return to the
food tasks while donning those same, now tainted, gloves. ‘What,’ he would say
loudly in his head,’ is the purpose of the gloves? To keep your own hands clean
or to keep the food clean from germ transfer from that other task?’
Let’s talk eating, if I may. The
sounds of another’s mastication drove the silly fellow quietly bonkers. The
sounding of a carrot being bitten in half was of no concern to his unique
sensibilities, but the further decimation soundings of the orange root into
smithereens were enough to conjure images of Expressionist Edward Munch’s 19th
century painting The Scream. Of course it’s also possible this particular
fellow was dabbling in self-satisfying and inane hyperbole. An apple was fully
capable of generating the same reaction. The initial cracking, if you will, was
entirely viewed as above board. It was the secondary chewing that nudged him
over the edge. A cupcake, on the other hand, possessed nearly no neutral
regard, it was all deleterious to his hearing instruments. Chewing gum, however,
despite the name which you’d think may be problematic for him was incapable of
generating a reaction. A different story entirely, though, should the chewing
be done with the mouth agape. Dining experiences being conducted in a noisy environment
became a source of favored anticipation as it easily drowned out a table’s
worth of cacophony leaving him in peace.
Pie was preferred delivered
and consumed in a bowl. The corresponding dining instrument should be a spoon,
of course, so as to hug the contours of the bowl and reduce the odds of missing
out on the deliciousness contained in a loose ort. He was visibly
enthusiastic for suppers that could be consumed with a spoon, also in a bowl.
No, not soups, though he delighted in their consumption, too, but they bore a
much lower thrill level than a traditional entrée. Turkey pot pies or shepherd
pies placed him in the proverbial bonus due to the bowl-based serving style.
Then again, this guy had a thing for pie.
When eating donuts his
considerable hankering was to consume the pastry with the frosted side down.
That’s right, the frosted side by all means is deserving of landing directly
onto the taste-bud laden tongue rather than waiting for the diluted chance
happening through the chewing process. Deliver the frosted side promptly and
without delay, get the taste buds engaged. Although, he preferred to conduct
this ‘upside downing’ operation alone should somebody notice and he become
obligated to explain the reasoning.
Based on the information
provided above I submit that ‘peculiar’ as a descriptor is harsher than
necessary, sounding almost sinister. ‘Particular,’ though, more
cleanly claims his absurd idiosyncrasies. We’re talking about a fellow, after
all, with a problematic self-imposed highly regulated book protocol and what seems
to be ridiculous eating hang-ups. Peculiar? I think not. Goofy? Particularly
so.
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