There had been a glitch in the payroll system and the result had a major affect on his take home pay. He was not a numbers savant by any means, quite to the contrary. His numbers literacy was well below average for his age. Once a conversation or written word breached a context exceeding 100 [i.e., 100 dollars, 100 hamburgers, 100 pairs of socks] you might as well be speaking a foreign language. Large numbers were as indigestible to him as were petroglyphs. He knew there was meaning trying to be conveyed, but he’d leave it to those who had mastered the ciphers to relay the meaning down to him.
He had recently graduated from university with a Humanities Major. Following the natural progression of life he secured his first post-college job, a low-level mailroom position at a large faceless corporation. There were well over 5,000 employees at this one location and the mailroom had nearly 200 of them. The starting pay was $24,000 per year. Not a lot of money, but a fair wage for the low stress job, and he was happy to have it. He was still living with his parents and had plans of moving out shortly after his paychecks starting arriving. That’s also when the glitch surfaced, although he didn’t notice.
He approached his first week of work respectfully over dressed for the mailroom. He wore a pair of well-worn khaki trousers, an ill-fitting but clean collared shirt, a tie passed down from his older brother, and loafers. All of it had been accumulated over the years from JcPenny or various large retail outlets of similar ilk, and mostly from the Clearance racks.
He had no concept as to what a two-week paycheck would look like for a $24,000 annual salary. So when his first check cleared just over $6,000 he was very pleased, though not surprised. Pretty good for full-time work in the mailroom. The paycheck system had glitched in his favor by a factor of ten. On paper his salary was correctly stated at $24,000, but the actual pay system was automated and virtually nobody would notice the error.
In his company introduction he and his fellow new employees were briefed on such things as Codes of Conduct, Benefits enrollment, key cards and photos for identification badges. Among other things, they were all instructed on the importance of signing up for the 401K retirement plan and advised of the matching contribution. He didn’t understand that line of conversation any more than he understood how Play-Doh can smell so good yet taste so bad, but he was told it was good to sign up for the 401K so he obliged. He also took heed of the advice to sign up for automatic bank deposits. This simplified payday by never having to go to the bank for a deposit and, important for the continuity of this narrative, he never had a paycheck readily available should someone become curious about his take home pay.
After two months of his erroneously bloated paychecks he was ready to move out on his own. Everyone was a little surprised when he ended up in a high-rise studio apartment with an ocean view. It was costly rent. ‘Wow, this won’t end well,’ thought those who knew him and his eager disavowal of numbers comprehension. Those who knew him quite understood that he didn’t know how to budget and thought he’d quickly blow through his salary and collapse back at home with his parents. But the months passed and he continued his high-scale living. Friends and acquaintances were slightly confused at his longevity at the fancy apartment, but would not confront him for explanation. They would compliment his present circumstances then wait for the inevitable financial collapse.
Having tackled his main objective, moving out of his parents’ abode and establishing his own domicile, he took to replacing the hand-me-down office garb. He was not much into fashion, but thought suits rather than trousers and blue blazers would cut a more impressive figure. He did what all youngsters fresh out of college and into their first jobs did, he went to Nordstrom Rack and purchased several suits, collared shirts, ties and shoes. Nothing fancy, just fancier than the Clearance racks to which he’d been accustomed. Given the sizable paychecks these acquisitions were easily absorbed. Still, he couldn’t come close to spending it all.
As time passed he thought he was ready to upgrade his car. His totally functional 15-year old four-door economical vehicle had run its course and would be replaced. He ended up with a snazzy hybrid BMW with a moon roof. He had seen one regularly recurring on his route to work and, since he had too much money that he didn’t know what to do with, he picked one up. Payments were easily covered including his insurance costs. He figured that gainful employment is great and life is easy, still blissfully unaware of his benevolent glitch.
In truth, life is not easy. It is heavily laden with challenges, trials and abundant opportunity for missteps. Determination, attentiveness and retaining one’s wits in tense circumstances are typically required to mold life into something resembling success. Another way would be to have your paycheck metastasized by a factor of ten, if it could so be arranged.
His taxes were due and, again, he did what everyone does when their taxes are due after taking their first professional position. He asked his parents, “What do I about the tax forms?” “You have that tax office down the street, right? That franchise? Go see them, they’ll know what to do,” suggested his father. So he did. And they did. He was advised many things, few of which he understood due to the size of the numbers being discussed. He was told that he ‘didn’t have any tax deductions.’ The tax professional, sensing that he was working with a practical numbers illiterate, broke down his advise into more basic terms, ‘When you buy a house, you’ll have a deduction and your taxes will go down?’
His apartment lease came due and he wanted to buy a house to fulfill the tax preparer’s instructions. He met with a real estate agent, one had left a flyer on the front door of his apartment. In their initial phone call he said that he was earning $26,000, having received a raise by this time. The real estate agent thought maybe she heard wrong. “I’d be happy to see what we can do. Please bring your most recent paycheck so we can get you preapproved for a home loan. Let’s see how much home we can afford,” she said thinking that this initial meeting would not go far. After all, nobody’s buying a house on $26,000 per year.
“Well, I’ve got some great news for you,” she told him shortly after that first meeting. “You qualify for a home loan up to $1.3 million dollars,” said the real estate agent. “Let’s go home shopping.” They did, and he bought a beautiful home right on the beach. He ended up with a $12,000 monthly mortgage on a 10-year home loan with a fixed rate of 3.5%. The numbers were well beyond his capacity for comprehension, but he was handed a pair of house keys and they worked.
By this time people at work had already been talking about him behind his back.
“Have you seen what he drives? And doesn’t he have an apartment right there on the beach,” asked one work cohort.
“You’re a little off. He doesn’t have that apartment anymore, he just bought a home on the beach! How does he afford that,” asking perplexed. “I bet his family is loaded. He must have family money.”
That’s what his work colleagues thought. Certainly nobody was thinking about a glitch in the paycheck system. This wrong assumption was a convenient turn for him. It would be enough for his work acquaintances to not push him for further detail, this could have run the risk of exposing the glitch.
His family, however, knew there was no family money. Heck, they barely had enough to pay for the small three-bedroom two-bath house 20 miles outside the city.
“Wow, first the fancy car, now this home on the beach. What kind of work are you doing over there,” asked his brother.
“I work in the mailroom. I sort it and deliver it to the various other departments and people who work there,” he answered truthfully.
Everyone thought he was just being modest. He works in the mailroom? More like some kind of management or department head that oversees the mailroom, I bet. Well, good for him, they thought. And they meant it. They were happy for his good fortune, they just didn’t understand how a person this meek-willed could make it so big.
The next year the accountant asked him about his investments. Hearing that he had none, took the initiative to suggest a few index mutual funds. “It’s important that you make investments and grow your wealth. Any money left over at the end of the month, put it in your mutual funds.” His investment portfolio was started in this way, followed by an annual review and suggestions to which he blithely complied so he wouldn’t have to think any more on it.
He enjoyed an otherwise modest living despite his regal take home pay. His breakfasts were simple, a bowl of cereal and a waffle popped in the toaster, or sometimes, two waffles without cereal. He packed his lunches every day including a sandwich, apple and sometimes a yogurt. When feeling particularly cantankerous he’d add a fun-size Hershey’s Crackle candy bar or two. He also made his own suppers. Again, simple meals, often involving a single cooking session with its consumption spread out over several days. Weekly he’d purchase a package of chicken breasts, cook up the entire batch then eat it all week. One evening he’d dine on chicken breast with pasta. The next it’d be coupled with macaroni and cheese, another night it’d be rice pilaf and carrots from a frozen bag. The final chicken breast might culminate in a gutsy coupling with pancakes and a salted maple syrup drizzle. His culinary skills were not classically trained, but he’d proven to be serviceable at feeding himself.
He was economical in most behavior. His driving force was not wealth accumulation, it was simply an aversion to confusion and indecision. He didn’t know what he liked or what constituted good taste. That uncertainty was mitigated by reducing purchases to necessities. The fewer purchases made, the fewer opportunities for confusion and indecision. His home was too large for him but why pass up the ocean view if you don’t have to, he reasoned in justifying the purchase of the house. The furnishing of it, though, was a different matter. He needed a bedroom, kitchen, living room and bathroom. This left more than half of the house to go fallow. The furnishing of those few rooms was done by means of a few Ikea visits. Why buy fancy paintings and artwork to fill the space when a few mass produced prints from a large retail chain would more than fulfill his needs, he reckoned.
This went on for five years. At each annual review the salary was correctly stated on paper for Human Resources to see and note. But the pay system continued to glitch in his favor. Despite his lack of ambition, with a raise of 4% every year, plus a one-time Cost of Living Adjustment, he was by then making $36,000 despite having never been promoted. Of course, with the glitch multiplying his salary ten times he was being paid as if his salary were nearly $360,000.
His knowledge of numbers remained deep in the trough compared to his peers. But, for a person who was now paying a mortgage and would receive annual investment statements, he gained a barely perceptible concept of numbers and money. Even though barely perceptible he started to think something wasn’t correct. ‘In three months my take-home pay amounts to more than my stated annual salary,’ he figured out, but not daring to say it out loud. He didn’t know numbers, but he was no imbecile.
He concluded beyond a doubt that there was an error and he was living well above the means by which he was salaried. Initially he was happy for his good fortune. Happiness similar to buying eight cans of soup at the grocery store but being charged only for seven due to cashier error. This contentment didn’t last long. He felt dirty. The more he thought about it, the more awful he felt. ‘What if I’m found out?’ was really his overriding concern, not his moral compass. So he developed a 12-month escape plan. He would minimize all expenses while increasing his mortgage payments. He wanted to pay off the home within a year. He had little understanding of what or how, but he was more than halfway through his 10-year mortgage. His index fund investing had done well and he could liquidate some of that if needed to pay off the balance of the mortgage. Then he would leave the company. He would use a portion of the investment income, and employment at his next job, to cover future property taxes.
He planned to leave months before he would qualify for the company pension. He thought sticking around to qualify for this, in addition to the engorged bankroll he’d inappropriately already been paid, would add insult to injury. Plus, he wanted a clean break. He didn’t want anyone down the line looking at a list of the largest pension recipients within the company to find his name at the top of the list, some guy who worked in the mailroom for several years. Yes, leave at a clean break, get a new job and start fresh. But first, a few more months living large on a mailroom salary.
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