Milkshake

The milkshake was excruciatingly delicious. Truly excruciating, this banana chocolate chip milkshake. The delectability of the bold flavor combination was regarded as irresistible by this goofball. The margin for error, however, had proven to be so tight that its successful construction must court precision. This guy, a self-proclaimed shake aficionado, had been burned so extensively over the years in the vast range in quality of the banana chocolate chip shake that it was not uncommon to find him ensconced in a self-relegated flavor sabbatical. During such periods he’d simply go with the safe choice of chocolate when circumstances necessitated a shake order. This protocol helped in regaining confidence in the shake-making industry.

The success rate for a banana chocolate chip milkshake was tenuous due to the tortuous specifications. The crucial ingredients came down to method of construction, implementation of proper utensils and dedication to one’s craft. The shake seemed easy enough. Take a vanilla milkshake [or use banana ice cream], add a banana and chocolate chips, grind it all up, add straw or spoon, hand over for consumption. But no, there existed a regrettable abundance of eating establishments that had insufficiently pondered these bare minimums. This one, though, this current shake in his hand would bump up that success rate.

In one ill fated past sequence the banana chocolate chip shake had been prepared with banana flavored liquid. True, banana flavoring as if they were building an Italian style banana flavored soda. No thanks! Do not mix soda flavoring into a shake as the two are entirely non-contiguous. No such overlap was ever to be acceptable. The presented shake, in that sad scene, had neither banana ice cream nor actual banana segments. His rage did flow thick when it became clear to him what kind of ill begotten swill had been passed off as a representation of the venerated shake. Not possible, he thought. A second pull of the straw yielded the same implausible reaction. ‘It can’t be. Is that banana soda flavoring I taste? Is there no actual banana in there?’ That sealed a sad afternoon of milkshaking.

Another banana chocolate chip milkshake conundrum came in the form of the straw logjam. The shake in question had been prepared with standard sized chocolate chips. These, of course, had no chance of securing safe passage through a regulation-sized straw. This resulted in a banana milkshake with a bottom loaded with the chips. Now look, the guy hadn’t a gripe with banana milkshakes nor a mouthful of chocolate chips, but he’d ordered neither. He had, in fact, ordered both. The taste buds were to enjoy a simultaneous ingestion of the two, not one followed sequentially by the other. His order was for both flavors to dominate jointly with each dose. Shake drinking ended when the chocolate chips, predictably, log jammed the straw. The straw was unable to carry out its mission, much like a vacuum that engages the corner of a throw rug bringing the actual vacuuming to a close due to a clogged nozzle.

There were other shakes that, on the surface, appeared to have been prepared with a formidable amount of forethought. One such shake contained an appropriately enlarged shake-sized straw! But dammit, the shake had been rushed and the banana had not been properly blended. He knew there was good stuff contained in the cup, visible confirmation affirmed it, but it could not get beyond the banana logjam in the straw. The banana chunks were sucked partially into the straw where they became entrenched. Stuck, much like someone trying to remove their pantaloons without first removing their shoes. The pants weren’t coming off over the shoes any more than a banana chunk would flow through a straw. Suck and suck on the straw, as he’d been induced to do, but the milkshake trickle coming through the logjam announced infuriating failure. 

This particular, shake, though, the one in his hand at present, had everything working. The straw was absolutely correct, it was the authentically cavernous shake straw. Beyond any modicum of doubt the merchant nailed the straw. Additionally, the chocolate chips were of the mini variety. This made flow through the shake straw a smooth operation. Plus, the chips had been blended in with the shake rather than left whole. The miniaturized chip shards did flow entirely unhindered! The banana had been whole at the onset, not the minor league move of using banana flavoring. The whole banana had been subjected to the blender. Despite the busy day, the shake maker hit the blender for a second round. They knew the banana clogging potential and was committed to beating back that capacity to enhance the shake-consuming experience. Today there was a professional at the helm who was fully aware of the limitations with which they contended, and maneuvered admirably!

The masterful concoction was handed over with a knowing head nod. It conveyed the confidence of a poker player who knew the value of the unturned card on the table. Without the whipped cream and yes to the cherry, the confection was passed forward. The excruciation was set to commence. He knew it. He engaged willingly and aggressively.

Three deep sips in rapid succession. Each sip was a viscous victory unto itself. Brain freeze would certainly be arriving soon. With valiant determination he removed the straw from his mouth, took a deep breath hoping the brief respite would hold off the encroaching freeze. He could feel its approach, it was right there ready to strike, but his willpower broke. He again raised the cup, took in the straw and engorged. Ah, yes, delicious! One more too-big sip, and here it came beyond any question. He had time only to place the cup on the table, swallow the shake before he crumpled to the ground in a pain-riddled heap. He clutched his imploding forehead rubbing it in a shambolic effort to sooth the brain freeze. Banana chocolate chip, so good, this one, and not even half way done. He courageously writhed on the floor in excruciating delight.

[Based on my sordid experiences and often futile search for the finest in banana chocolate chip milkshakes.]