Foul Mouth

I’ve never been a big foul mouth, such behavior makes a guy appear lazy and devoid of intellectual speech. Years of ‘keeping clean’ in this way render otherwise potentially foul scenarios vacant of said foul language. I submit the following episode as supporting evidence.

Summer 2007

My son and I had enjoyed a very warm evening at the local water park, Raging Waters. It was always outstanding walking through the water park with my five-year old son as two great bare-chested men of the world donning only swim trunks and water shoes.

On a certain fine warm evening we exited the park and got settled in the car. I backed up the vehicle, put it back in Drive ready to make tracks and head home, but there was a car in front of me just sitting there doing nothing but blocking the way. No sweat, it’s summer and we’ve nothing but time, I’ll wait until the other driver gathers themself and moves out of the way. And we waited. And waited. Until finally, I don’t know, maybe a mere 30 seconds, my impatience got the best of me. Forgetting that the boy was in the back seat, I spoke in a harsh manner.

“Come on you clown,” I said exasperated and louder than necessary directing my angst to the driver in front of me.

From the back seat in the most pleasant voice, “Where’s the clown, daddy?”

In my impatience I had forgotten that there was precious cargo in the backseat. I was happy that I didn’t foul mouth it.

-klem

Fatherly Advise on a Happy Father’s Day

I have learned much from my dad throughout the years. I’ve been guided on responsibility, family first, and work ethic to name a few. I humbly share with you here some of the gems of wisdom he’s unleashed over the years. Some gems have played a more integral part in my evolution into an adult than others.

[1] On interpersonal Relationships: ‘Treat people the way you want to be treated.’

  

[2] On the Manly Arts: ‘Measure twice, cut once.’

[3] On snow: ‘Don’t eat the yellow snow.’

[4] On Home repairs: ‘If something’s broken, you should try to fix it. If you can’t, you can still call someone to fix it.’

[5] On buffets: ‘Don’t fill your plate on the salad and bread at the front of the buffet, the good stuff is at the end.’

[6] On how to become a millionaire: ‘Buy a million dollars in real estate, pay off the loan, you’re a millionaire.’

[7] On Spam: ‘If you’re really hungry, Spam tastes damn good.’

[8] On poor behavior: ‘That’s not according to the Royal Code.’

[9] On work ethic: ‘Do what you say you’re going to do.’

[10] On determination: ‘Don’t say that you can’t do something. You say that and you’ll find that you can’t do it.

Dad, thanks for being there every day through all the big stuff and the little stuff.

-klem

California’s Drought . . . Problem Solved

In southern California we live with a constant reminder about our decades-old drought what with the ‘Be Water Wise’ and ‘Don’t Waste Water’ campaigns. There’s just no water solution in sight. Or is there?

First things first, it’s not a drought so much as it is truly southern California’s coastal desert environment returning to prominence. This ‘drought’ has been in force for more than a 100 years, since well before Mr. Mulholland brought water to southern California in the early 1900s. His resourcefulness bought us seventy years of willful neglect in considering the significant lack of fresh water without bringing it in from hundreds of miles away. Suffice it so say, it’s not a drought, this is the natural environment for the area.

Meanwhile, our valiant warriors in elected office, the fruits of a bountiful slothful ill-informed voter citizenry, have laid down the latest decree. Effective this month throughout the state, we have the privilege of watering our lawns as much as twice weekly. Should that not result in the desired decrease in water usage we’ll further have the privilege of paying higher water rates, too.

Look, I’m not willing to defend the right to have a lawn. It looks nice, but clearly it’s a luxury that has run its course, at least for this area. But I’ll tell what chaps my hide, those arrogant clowns in elected office making us give it up. A more appropriate message from the legislature, rather than June’s ultimatum, would have been the following:

‘We could have done things better these last few decades preparing for the inevitable, but we kind of blew it. Here’s our plan to fix it.

[1] Water your lawns only twice weekly. That’s the sacrifice we’re asking of our citizens. Many of you will lose your lawn, for that we’re sorry.

[2] For our sacrifice, we’ll give up our silly bullet train from Los Angeles to San Francisco and redirect the money toward a water plan. And if we get this figured out, we’d like our toy train back.’

In the face of this crisis our legislators in Sacramento have done little more than capitulate. Certainly we can start by trying to figure out what to do with that huge body of water immediately off the coast! Sure, I know, the salt content of the Pacific Ocean is an inconvenience. The contents of the Pacific Ocean could be readily usable without it. If only science had furnished us with some way to remove that stuff. Oh wait, that’s right, desalination!

You’re probably thinking, ‘Klem, you know that’s too expensive to put into practice on such a grand scale as needed for California, don’t you?’ Expensive, yes, but too expensive? If it is too expensive then why is it so widely practiced throughout other parts of the globe? Think about Saudi Arabia, Qatar, and their neighboring Middle Eastern countries and their ½-inch annual rainfall. They exist with the same conundrum of a bountiful supply of salted water and not enough of the fresh stuff. Desalination. Expensive, sure, but the science is there. And, like solar power, the technology becomes more efficient and effective with each generation. So the question becomes ‘How do we fund the desalination plants and the necessary continued research and development?’

That’s the great part, the funding is already factored into the state’s bloated budget. Cross out the budget line description reserved for that ridiculous ‘bullet train from Los Angeles to San Francisco’ and scratch in ‘Desalination.’ That crummy train is such an amazing financial sinkhole of a delusional bureaucratic dream that the desalination plants could be green-lighted right away, given the amount of money currently being committed to that boondoggle of a high-speed train. [I could show you all the facts and figures, but for the sake of brevity, kindly trust me.] Redirect funds from the train and this desalination plan can be immediately financed in its entirety!

Truth is, this addresses an even more pressing issue. Global Warming! [nudge nudge wink wink] We’ve heard about the impending ocean tides slated to rise three feet by 2100. We owe it to our great grandchildren to drink the oceans down and occasionally sprinkle our lawns simply to retain the current safe ocean levels. California’s drought, as I see it, is the solution to the impending devastating effects of Global Warming. I’ll gladly drink to that.

The Anniversary

On a chilly late morning in December 1995, I arrived at my new place of employment. A bunch of hand shaking and hellos, ‘Here’s your new cubicle’, all the nonsense that comes with a change in work location. One bonus feature on this sunny, though, chilly day, I would meet my future bride!

The future Wife Klem had the cubicle immediately across the aisle. We had different job duties and I was in the office only a few hours each week. When our in-office time cooperated we engaged in brief casual conversation, a task in which I was admittedly clumsy. Six months went by, she turned in her two weeks notice! [She was leaving NOT because of me, but for a different line of work.] I was in a state of distress, what was this guy going to do if she got away? ‘I must ask her out before she departs,’ I convinced myself, hoping I’d somehow muster the intestinal fortitude to follow through. If she declined, I’d endure a two-week period of in-office awkwardness and then she’d be gone. Clean slate. At least I’d know she was not my match. But what if she was and I missed out because of my inaction?!

It was 19 years ago today, May 3, 1996, Taco Day at the office. Cinco De Mayo that year fell on a Sunday and Management decided to have a free food day the preceding Friday as a head nod to the Cinco.

As the grub wound down late that afternoon and folks made their way back to work to finish off the week, my aisle was not yet flush with occupants, except for myself and the future Bride Klem across the aisle. I had gathered my gear and was preparing to leave the office, internally I struggled with the important task at hand. Nervously, though doing my best to conceal it, I asked her for her phone number. She smiled, brushed her hair back behind her ear, wrote her phone number on a Post-It note, and handed it to me. As she handed this treasure across the aisle, each of us with a hand on the slip of paper mid-exchange, the eye contact as she looked at me, and the smile! There was a certain thrill and excitement I vividly remember to this day, that exchange looking into her beautiful blue eyes and the smile! I quickly said my good byes and left the office before I could say something silly and ruin the moment.

Two weeks later the beautiful Wife Klem did leave our shared place of employment. We spoke regularly, dated, and eventually married. When Wife Klem smiles at me, it’s the thrill of that Friday afternoon, with a few company-issued tacos stashed away in my belly, asking my future bride for her phone number . . . and receiving it!

-klem

Iran’s Nuclear Deal

There’s been much talk lately regarding the nuclear negotiations between the United States and Iran. The current deal being negotiated would limit Iran’s nuclear program to only civilian use and scale back their nuclear enrichment program. Unfortunately, they’ll get to retain their advanced [‘military-grade’] centrifuges and plutonium-producing heavy-water reactor [instead of being required to dismantle it]. Great for Iran! Not great for the rest of us. But wait there’s more, Iran will get an assist with nuclear Research and Development, plus, sanctions relief will give their economy a big boost as foreign companies engage Iran to do business.

‘Civilian use, what’s the big deal,’ you say. To be truthful, the deal being negotiated would provide for International Atomic Energy Agency [IAEA] inspectors to verify that Iran’s nuclear capability remains solely for civilian use, not for bomb-making purposes. This assurance of inspectors, of course, ignores the fact that prior deals have also allowed for IAEA inspectors, but the inspectors had regularly been denied access disallowing this verification. Who would trust Iran to make another similar deal and this time expect them to abide by the inspectors?

“We are powerful enough to be able to test these propositions without putting ourselves at risk,” said President Obama in a recent interview with journalist Thomas Friedman. Iran’s a long ways from us, so he’s likely correct that we would not immediately be at risk. Being a good citizen, however, especially the most powerful good citizen in the world, means looking out for more than number one. It means also looking out for our allies.

Additionally, a nuclear Iran affects a vast circle of influence. This could spike a nuclear arms race as their neighboring countries try to keep up to deter the local bully. What happens when the violence in the Middle East becomes nuclear? At that point, the troubles may flow like an open fire hydrant.

If Iran complies with the details of the deal, nuclear armaments are delayed for 10 years. After those 10 years, however, their bomb making nuclear capability is virtually assured as a result of the shared knowledge and research. To speak clearly, a nuclear bomb is not the issue, it’s a matter of who has the nuclear bomb. France and England have a nuclear bomb, but nobody’s worried that they’d actually put it into play. Iran, however, is a different story! A hotbed for terror and aggression with a newly booming economy - due to the lessening of economic sanctions [sanctions have been in place since the Iran Hostage Crisis of 1979], and enhanced nuclear knowledge could energize them with renewed bravado and a willingness to get militarily frisky. Bummer for their neighbors, and our allies – the good guys, they are not in favor of this deal’s success.

“I’ve been very clear that Iran will not get a nuclear weapon on my watch,” President Obama went on to say. I’d find it more encouraging had he stopped after ‘Iran will not get a nuclear weapon,’ instead he seems more content in knowing that they’ll get one, just not until he’s out of office and they’re somebody else’s problem. Here’s an alternative: no nuclear deal, keep talking with Iran, retain sanctions, do not provide nuclear technology, and prevent their bomb-making capability.

Maybe I jump to conclusions, certainly President Obama would not be in favor of a deal that makes Iran a nuclear power. He hopes at least, hope that is neck-deep in a utopian’s perspective. I’m not one of his detractors saying the president is trying to push forward to intentionally compromise the U.S.’s world position. I am, however, one of his detractors who thinks President Obama is regrettably naïve in the things he believes will fall into place as a result of a sporting gesture. Unfortunately, this sporting gesture has nuclear catastrophic potential.

-wdk

The True Inequality Gap . . . and the Fix

There’s been much talk in recent years about the Income Inequality Gap. The inequality gap, it seems, has become a popular rallying cry to increase the amount of welfare funded by the achievers. Bummer really, because there is a remedy to fill in the gap, but this fostering of government dependence is not it.

Think about someone that you admire or respect. It is probably that person’s achievements, skills, or successes fueling your admiration. That’s a healthy reaction. The alternative is envy resulting from these same successes or achievements. Envy is the basis for the Inequality Gap rallying cry. There are a number of bureaucrats in government, and their obedient citizens, sparking this interest angling for an extra poke through the paychecks of the achievers.

This talk of an Inequality Gap aims to reduce the gap by reducing the take home pay of the highest earners. A true fix would, instead, reduce the gap by allowing for those on the lower end to raise themselves up. Envy fuels an endless cycle of coveting the assets of those on top, even if those on top had once been on the bottom and ascended due to the strength of their success. By this current ‘rallying cry’ formula, they will have become the target of envy and must themselves be taken down.

If, however, praising of achievement became the new rallying cry, the endless cycle would become one of strengthening support as people strive for their own success rather than shaking down someone else’s. The goal should be to raise oneself up to decrease the gap, not bring someone else down to achieve that end.

In fact, let’s dig deeper and find the cause of the income inequality gap. The cause is a result of a Values gap. Find out what compels a successful person to attend night school and seek an MBA? What motivates someone to sacrifice leisurely evenings at home instead to work 70 hours a week to get their business off the ground? What inspires someone to prepare at night for the next day at work instead of watching television deep into the night? How does someone find the stamina to cobble together two and three decades in an industry learning and honing skills that ultimately result in a commendable income? Encourage people on the lower spectrum of the gap, if they are interested in bettering their position as measured in this way, to emulate a few of these values. If inequality resolution is sought, address the cause, not the visible symptom of the gap.

There is nowhere else in the world, outside the United States, where upward mobility is such a realistic possibility, but only if people put in the effort and strive for success. Let the endless cycle of achievement fuel each generation to build on the successes of the generations before them. Filling in the Income Inequality Gap comes with building each other up, not banding together to tear down a few.

-klem

Save Brian Williams

Hey, have you heard, news anchor Brian Williams was caught in a lie! There’s plenty of clamor out there for the guy to be fired, but I say ‘Leave the guy alone.’ Really, everyone doesn’t need to be fired every time they do something dumb. Sure, there’s a credibility issue with Williams, but let the viewers decide for themselves if that’s a problem.

Let’s say, for example, that I’m tuning into ESPN SportsCenter for an update on the day’s sports action. If I’m just tuning in for some visual highlights, I don’t care who’s commentating, I’m just there to be entertained. If, however, I’m tuning in for scores and statistics of the day’s action, you know - facts, credibility at that point is integral to why I’m watching.

Brian Williams and NBC news have been exposed. If the viewers are merely tuning in to be amused by a few visual highlights of the day’s action, Williams and NBC remain in play. If, however, viewers want to be informed, they can decide for themselves if another news program provides a better product.

-wdk

Fruit Roll

It was a bright spring morning in 5^th grade and I was surrounded by a couple friends enjoying a grand laugh. It’s an incident I look back on with humiliation.

It was morning recess and my classmates and I had been released onto the playground. I was a little fellow and the blacktop seemed immense, barely could one fathom having to walk from the school building to the far end of the playground. But there was no need to venture so far, three pals had approached me with an offering.

“Would you like this fruit roll,” asked a classmate.

Fruit roll, absolutely I wanted it. Sticky to handle and you’d hope it would peel easily from the wax paper, but a delicious treat regardless. “Yeah, sure,” I responded.

It was already unwrapped from its individual packaging and clinging tightly to said wax paper. It peeled off neatly and I took my first bite. Its flavor . . . I couldn’t immediately place the fruit. This was not grape, not apricot, nor strawberry. Additional bites yielded still no clarity.

“How does it taste,” asked one smiling chum.

“A little sour, but good,” I answered.

“What flavor do you think it is,” asked another.

“I don’t know, is it cranberry,” as I finished it off.

“We don’t know, we found it on the ground over there,” pointing to the galvanized steel perimeter fence.

“No, you didn’t,” I said hopefully. But the hilarious laughter of the three ended any naïve doubt. The grand laugh was at my expense.

A sense of doom enveloped me. What did I eat? How many days had it been on the ground? How many days had it baked in the sun? How many bugs had already eaten their fill before I just finished off their left overs? How much bacteria did I consume?

The bell rang. It was time to line up and return to class. My belly felt unsteady, but it held.

-klem

The Jackass

He was referred to, diplomatically, as the heathen even by his parents. His favorite uncle, unsmiling and to his face, called him a knuckle dragging fool. He lacked common sense, a conscience, empathy for anything alive, and most human emotions . . . except hatred, which ironically, he liked. He had no friends, though he was known, and not highly regarded, amongst fellow delinquents and degenerates.

He once reached into a neighbor boy’s fish tank, snagged and bit in half a trigger fish. His own hand was bloodied by the small aggressive fish . . . but he liked it. The mother immediately grabbed him by the ear and, none too gently, escorted him out the door. He was seven then.

From the age of 10 onward, annually at the first freeze of the winter, he’d surreptitiously put a garden hose in a neighborhood car and turn it on. Never in his immediate neighborhood, of course, so as not to be too close for suspicion, but close enough. To much ill-gotten hilarity, the car’s interior would freeze solid.

On lazy summer afternoons he regularly went to the library and quietly assaulted one row of books after another with an arsenal of wide-point indelible black markers and glue.

In his teen years he was occasionally entertained by homemade ‘Lost Cat’ signs that had been hopefully posted on telephone poles. He would call the phone number with the cheerful news that ‘[cat’s name] had been found . . . and was delicious.’

In his dangerous early adolescence he had a favorite pair of steel-toed boots. They’d been modified so that one swift hard kick to a car’s tire would yield a slow flat. When he was feeling most playful and cantankerous, it was not uncommon to see an entire block of his handy work for both tires on the starboard side of all the cars on that side of the street.

On the afternoon of his 21^st birthday he was in a bar watching a ballgame. His team was losing, badly, and another patron was cheering, loudly.

“Hey, shut up, jackass,” said our inconsequential waste of flesh.

Jackass was a big man, though not a large snarling beast that would instinctively be met with a wide berth at every human interaction.  Barely taking his eyes off the television long enough to confidently stride over, jackass punched him in the face. There was an awful sound, sickening really, like a rotten cantaloupe slipping from one’s hands and landing solidly on a dirty linoleum floor. One punch rendered him unconscious on the floor, lying there amidst a floor cluttered with shards of split and discarded empty peanut husks, the offered snack of this lowest of low level tavern.

Slowly, the bleeding into his skull got the best of him and he expired. It was a good ballgame, someone eventually called an ambulance during one of the subsequent commercial breaks.

The jackass said nothing. He calmly finished his drink, ordered another, polished off a few more complimentary bowls of peanuts from the bars countertop, and waited for the police.

Jackass had been to jail before, he’d spent most of his adult life in the hole. Jail, what’d he care, not like he was living on the outside anyway. He belonged in the hole, that’s what he knew and preferred. His time on the outside was looked on as being on holiday. He’d enjoy it while he was out, but it’d inevitably end soon, and badly.

The police arrived. He finished his drink, paid his tab, left a nice tip, stuffed his pockets full of peanuts, and raised his hand toward the officers to get their attention. He would be taken away without trouble.

The ballgame was over, it didn’t matter who won, only that there was some temporary excitement.

wdk

Global Warming? Here’s the Real Point.

Is global warming, or global climate change, for real? To be honest, I’m not sure, but I do not buy into man-made global warming. I mean heck, the globe’s had a fluctuating climate since before mankind. The earth transformed itself from the Ice Age 12,000 years ago long before the man-made industrial age.

Silly remarks about global warming being ‘settled science’ I find tough to stomach. You want settled science, stick with The Doppler Effect and ‘PV=nRT.’ Global climate change is no more a settled issue than is the age old question, ‘What came first, the chicken or the egg?’

For practical purposes, the entire global climate change discussion is little more than a highly toxic non-productive distraction to the real point. The end game, simply put, is to improve our energy technology to the point of self-sustaining renewable energy, a valiant goal to be sure. So the best approach is to stop the name calling and arguing who’s right about global warming, and just get the research underway.

Global warming believers want renewable green energy so as to not be haunted by these troublesome CO2 molecules. The non-believers, not so troubled by the CO2 that is exhaled with every breath, will gladly accept renewable green energy so long as it comes at a competitive market price. That means no artificial support by government subsidies. If these energy technology options viably come to the market, the global warming discussion is circumvented. Really, that’s it, stop the nonsensical blather about whether or not the globe is warming, just concentrate on the technology to put one’s sensibilities at ease.

Market viability is the integral aspect for success. If you tell me the solar power of today has already arrived, I’ll suggest that you’re full of baloney. If a product’s viability is dependent upon a government subsidy to compete in the market place, then, quite frankly, it’s not yet ready for consumption on a mass scale. Perhaps, and hopefully, the next generation of technology will meet the mark. While this research is in progress, though, we must continue to access our own domestic oil and natural gas energy sources. This would continue until a better energy alternative is available efficiently and in appropriately abundant quantities.

The U.S. and Europe have pollution standards and energy efficiency standards in place. Yes, we are major consumers of energy but our pollution standards mean that environmental health has been factored into the energy that we consume. Because of this environmental awareness our citizens need not breathe through surgical masks that are so popular amongst citizens living in industrial areas of China. Legislating local or regional standards merely penalizes, or makes more expensive, energy usage for one’s existence in those legislated locales. You want renewable energy and the culmination of the global climate change harangue? Improve the energy technology to the point where the product is available worldwide at market prices. It would be laughable for a climate change believer to think that California residents voting to have the highest (cleanest) fuel standards for our cars is a move in the right direction. Task completion would only come to fruition through a future generation technology whereby energy becomes so inexpensive and available that citizens of Namibia, for example, no longer need to burn dung to heat their huts.

How about this for a step in the correct direction, consider those billions of dollars in subsidies paid out to increase consumption of solar energy amongst the world’s wealthiest nations and residents. Every dollar consumed in this way is a wasted opportunity. It would be more productive to invest those billions in subsidies, instead, on research to improve that technology and accelerate the timeframe where its next generation technology may come to market possibly making it ready for consumption worldwide.

For too much of the world’s population climate change is simply an issue of which they’ll never have the luxury of concerning themselves. If a person’s main concern is ‘Where can I get food and clean water to survive another day,’ they’ll never care about how many CO2 molecules are bouncing around in the atmosphere. But if renewable green energy is made available to them, then they can help in the task of ‘saving the earth’ without even thinking about it. For those of us who do not think that the globe is in climate peril, think instead of how much better off we’d be if alternative energy meant less money flowing into the unpredictability of the Middle East.

Now let’s stop the non-sensical ‘Hoaxer versus Denier’ name calling and have a Happy Earth Day.

-klem

Giving Thanks on This Day of Thanksgiving

As we give thanks on this day of Thanksgiving, I furnish you with an enumerated roster of things for which I give thanks, though this list be not all-inclusive.

1.    That it has been ingrained in me by family tradition that Sunday means family time, not just free time.

2.    Football, despite the consistently poor performance of the Cleveland Browns, the beloved team of me and my nephew.

3.    Homes with well maintained landscaping, although it would be swell if commendable maintenance required less effort.

4.    Weed-killing agents that leave the grass unscathed.

5.    Figs. I must’ve knocked back 20 or more of those delicious things this year, benefit of being on good terms with my neighbor and her bountiful fig trees.

6.    That the childhood memories of me and my siblings are a constant source of amusement for the whole family.

7.    That my balding head is a constant source of amusement for Cade and Kelly.

8.    That I was raised to behave according to a moral standard rather than a sense of entitlement.

9.    For sun tan lotion with SPF 50 so dad can still swim nude while maintaining a healthy degree of coverage for his previously defeated butt cancer. [Note for the gentle reader: A reference to a victorious bout with skin cancer on a very curious locale.]

10.The joy of the written word, despite the indigestible blather produced by the much heralded James Joyce.

11.That vegetarians willingly forgo the delectable helpings of meat dishes so that the rest of us barbarians may consume and enjoy their portions.

12.That stamps are now stickers no longer requiring a lick.

13.Plastic BIC pens, those things never fail.

14.The satisfaction that comes with completing a physical task or exercise regiment.

15.Pizza pie!

16.Sports talk radio.

17.Arch supports.

18.Gainful employment, despite the necessitated inconvenience of working 40 hours per week.

19.That I have family that I love and enjoy, because I prefer spending post-Thanksgiving dominated by feelings of being engorged rather than enraged.

20.That I have parents that I want to please rather than one-up.

Happy Thanksgiving!

-klem